Laura Rethmann CounterPunch
Last Wednesday, Border Patrol detained me for nearly twenty hours.
I have never felt my citizenship more acutely than I did in detention. Not when I first held my passport, not when I cast my first ballot, not in any of the moments when citizenship is ceremonially affirmed. I felt it there, where my freedom was uncertain but my privilege was not.
I won’t go into what happened before I was placed in handcuffs, but I do want to talk about the hours that followed.
A comrade and I arrived at the Border Patrol station after an hour and a half of being jolted around in the back of a hot, bumpy truck. After cuffing us, officers had driven us to three different locations, each time attempting to transfer us to a transport vehicle, only to find no one available, or willing, to take responsibility for us. Eventually, they drove us themselves, lurching over uneven dirt roads as the heat and motion left us increasingly carsick. Plastic water bottles rolled just out of reach at our feet. When we protested the reckless driving and told the officers we were feeling sick, one officer assured us, “I am actually one of the chill guys.” He offered this as reassurance, as though he was doing us a favor, as though we should feel fortunate to be in his custody rather than that of officers who might treat us worse. We were relieved when the truck finally stopped and we were led through the station’s metal gates where our cuffs would finally come off before the first search and the seizure of our possessions.
With four other officers looking on, an officer instructed us to stand, one by one, as they patted down our bodies, made us shake out our bras, and ordered us to remove the laces from our shoes. They took any extra layers of clothing we had on and packaged up our belongings, placing them on a shelf along the wall. That was when I noticed the baby seats lined up among the confiscated possessions. To my right, strollers jammed beneath the stairs.
It took me a moment to understand what I was seeing. These were the remnants of children’s lives, ordinary objects that had somehow been absorbed into the machinery of detention. The children themselves were nowhere in sight. I did not encounter the human bodies that filled those car seats, but their absence was made tangible by the items left behind. I imagined the chain of events that was required to bring each object here. The journeys, the apprehensions, the separations, the moment a stroller and car seat ceased to be an ordinary necessity of caring for a child and became another instrument entangled in the machinery of separation. I could not know where those children were now, whether they were nearby or far away, whether they were still with their parents or had been taken somewhere else.
Everything in that room had been reduced to almost nothing: bodies to be searched, clothing to be removed, possessions to be packaged and put away. And yet, among that nothingness, these objects insisted on the fullness of the lives they belonged to. A pink car seat. A toddler’s purple polka dotted booster seat. Ordinary things made unbearable by the people they silently testified to, and by the uncertainty of where those people had gone. I stood there in the strange in-between of presence and absence, surrounded by evidence of lives that had passed through this place, traces of people who were no longer visible. Humanity, reduced to its traces. I stood among the ghosts of children whose stories I would never know, left to wonder how many lives had passed through this room and where, beyond these walls, they had gone.
The devastation came in pieces, each detail making the last harder to stomach. “Avelino,” “Mercado,” “Checo”- names scratched into the cell benches as proof of people who sat there long enough to need to leave some evidence that they had existed. Outside the interrogation room sat a child’s bead maze, the kind found in doctors’ offices. Outside a cell labeled “unaccompanied juveniles” hung children’s artwork of superheroes and flowers. Across the detention center, large cartoon posters announced “You have a right not to be assaulted.”
What kind of place needs to remind people that they have a right not to be assaulted?
The first holding station was as uncomfortable as one might imagine. Everything was concrete. The cold benches were too narrow to lie down on, too hard to rest against, offering no position in which the body could settle. A short concrete dividing wall provided the slight suggestion of privacy around a communal combination metal toilet-sink. Above it, signs read NO AGUA POTABLE. A posted warning explained that the station violated water testing requirements and that the water contained dangerously high levels of nitrates, associated with “blue baby syndrome,” a condition where infants’ blood cannot carry enough oxygen, turning their skin blue.
The fluorescent lights blazed overhead, day and night. Eventually, we were given mattress pads and emergency blankets made of thin, reflective foil. Every movement made them crackle. We tried to lie as still as possible, minimizing even the small sounds of shifting bodies, listening to the blankets rustle whenever someone moved. Even rest required a kind of collective stillness.
And yet, despite the handcuffs, the concrete, and the hours of confinement, my comrades and I were treated relatively well. The officers seemed unsure how to behave around us. They had detained us, but we were citizens, and that appeared to complicate their understanding of how they were supposed to act. “We aren’t used to dealing with people like you,” “this is all new for us,” they would say while struggling to fill out our paperwork or attempting to guess what would happen to us next. We seemed to present a contradiction they couldn’t resolve. We were people they had detained, but people they understood they were supposed to treat differently.
Occasionally, an officer would barge into the cell shouting orders and threatening us if we did not comply. My comrades and I would joke that they’d briefly forgotten we were the kind of people they recognized as human. Soon enough, the aggression would recede, and the officer would return to a more accommodating demeanor.
When time had lost all meaning and the next morning’s sun finally rose, my comrades and I were transferred to the Tucson Sector Station. This time, we were marched onto a large prison bus. Inside, rows of detained migrants sat waiting.
I slid into the first row, in front of a woman whose face was swollen and black-and-blue, her wrists still cuffed. Yet as I stepped on the bus, I caught her wide, beautiful smile and the cheeky, playful spark in her eyes. Throughout the drive, she would say something amusing in Spanish to the person beside her, then erupt into a deep, full-bodied laugh. Otherwise, the bus was heavy with exhaustion, fear, and anguish. In the row beside the beat up woman radiating joy, a mother sat silently holding her daughter, the child’s head resting against her shoulder. Toward the back of the bus, beyond the metal gate separating the men from the women, men sat with tears in their eyes, looking terrified.
The relief I’d been holding onto all night that I’d soon return home curdled as I took them in.
The woman behind me, the mother beside her, the men in the back – their futures were in the hands of a state that had already reduced them to fingerprints, paperwork, cells, bus routes, and decisions made by people they would probably never know. I could imagine my life resuming but, at that moment, it just made me feel sick.
I leaned my head against the metal bars covering the bus window and watched the sun rise over the Sonoran Desert. The mountains glowed in the early light, their exposed ridgelines cutting into the vast, open sky. Still green from the rains, the desert bloomed among the saguaros and creosote. It is one of the most beautiful ecosystems I have ever seen. I turned to the comrade beside me and asked about their ecological restoration work in the region and about the watersheds they worked to restore. I wondered what the people sitting behind us thought as they looked out over the same landscape.
For people crossing this same desert on foot, it could mean something entirely different. Thirst. Exposure. Death. I could sit behind bars and marvel at its beauty. Others had to cross it at the risk of their lives. We shared the same landscape, but not our relationship to it.
In that moment, and in every moment since the confused, ambivalent agents threw us against their trucks, citizenship revealed itself not as an abstract legal status, but as a mark inscribed on our bodies. A mark that set us apart from the others. It moved us to the front of the intake line while others waited behind another chain link fence. It sent us to a different holding block, earned us an extra Suncup, and granted officers the absurd privilege of looking us in the eyes. Nothing about our bodies had changed. Yet a line had been drawn between us and the people standing just beyond it. A line that reorganized the world around us. Citizenship was not simply something we possessed. It was something that acted upon us, sorting our bodies, redistributing dignity. It was a border that traveled with us, a border reproduced inside the trucks, the holding cells, and intake lines- wherever the state decided who counted, who waited, and who could be seen. Citizenship was a line drawn through a bus full of people.
The line was not drawn based on who was kind or dangerous, who was a parent, who was afraid, who had suffered, or who deserved to go home. It did not measure our humanity. It sorted us. And I knew which side of that line I was likely to end up on. For the first time, I felt its violence not as an abstraction but as a force acting on the bodies around me, determining what could happen to them.
Hours later, after more “for institutional use only” meals in another cold, cement-walled cell, we were finally processed out. Officers checked paperwork and retrieved our possessions, still sealed in Department of Homeland Security plastic. Then a second-generation Mexican American Border Patrol officer stopped her checklist to ask, again, whether my comrades and I were citizens.
When my Indigenous comrade answered, “Unfortunately,” the officer stopped checking her paperwork. Looking my comrade dead in the eyes, she began screaming at us about how grateful we should be to be United States citizens.
“Look around you,” she said pointing at the two dozen migrants just being marched off of the latest bus. “All these people risked their lives to cross the border. You should be fucking grateful!”
I keep returning to the cruelty of that demand.
Be grateful. Be grateful that you are a citizen of the state that colonizes and murders your people. Be grateful that you are included. Look at their suffering. Look at what could happen to you. Look at how much worse it could be.
Be grateful that the state has given you reason to believe it will let you go.
Yet the officer did not see that the only reason crossing a border is such a risk to people’s lives is because of the very system she helps enforce. The desert is not dangerous by accident. Migration is not inherently deadly. The risk to life is produced by the walls, checkpoints, armed patrols, surveillance, detention, deportation, and policies designed to push people into more remote and deadly terrain.
The state creates the conditions that make people suffer, then points to their suffering as proof that we should be grateful to stand on the safer side of the line. The state creates the danger, then presents surviving it as a gift.
This is why the fight against the border wall is connected to ICE in our towns, to police surveillance, to detention centers, to the destruction of Indigenous land, and to every system that decides which people are disposable. These systems are not identical, but they share a logic. They sort people into categories of worth, distribute safety unequally, and make the resulting violence appear natural, necessary, or deserved.
They also recruit people to enforce that violence.
They offer a uniform, a badge, a paycheck, a measure of authority, and the promise of belonging. They invite people to turn that authority against others who look like them, come from where they come from, or carry histories that overlap with their own. They offer a place inside the machinery in exchange for helping keep it running.
I believe one of the cruelest things empire does is offer belonging on the condition that we accept someone else’s exclusion. It tells us we can be safe by helping make others unsafe, worthy by agreeing that someone else is not. It teaches us to mistake proximity to power for liberation, and survival within a violent system for proof that the system is just.
Perhaps the officer believed she was defending something valuable. Perhaps she thought she was reminding my comrade of a privilege she should appreciate. But what she was defending, in that moment, was a hierarchy in which citizenship became a reason to demand gratitude rather than a reason to question why some people were caged while others were permitted to leave.
I do not need to know what she believed about herself to recognize the function of what she was doing. And I cannot pretend that this machinery only implicates people like her. It implicates me too.
I knew I was likely going home. My citizenship had not kept the state from putting me in handcuffs, but it gave me reason to expect that my detention would end. I could imagine my life continuing beyond those walls because I had reason to believe the state would let me leave. Whatever else I experienced there, I had a relationship to citizenship that many of the people around me did not share. I could be frightened by the machinery without having to fear that it would permanently absorb me.
I do not want to turn this experience into a story about how much I learned, how deeply I felt, or how morally transformed I became. The people on that bus were not there to teach me a lesson. Their suffering was not an instrument for my political awakening. They were people caught in a system that had the power to decide what happened to them, and I was a person who could recognize, in that moment, that the same system was likely to let me go.
Instead, I hope this reflection can be a call to action.
Compassion can coexist quite comfortably with domination. We can feel terrible about detention centers and still accept the premise that some people must be detained. We can donate to mutual aid, volunteer with immigrant organizations, and express outrage over deportations while treating the citizenship that protects us as an unquestioned entitlement. We can become very good at tending to the wounds of a system we have no intention of dismantling. We can care about people and remain loyal to the arrangements that hurt them.
This is not an argument against care. Mutual aid, solidarity, and the work of keeping one another alive matter greatly, especially in a world organized around abandonment. But care is not inherently oppositional. It can relieve suffering without challenging the conditions that produce it. When we care for those harmed by a system without questioning the privileges that system extends to us, our compassion can become a way of reconciling ourselves to the very arrangements we claim to oppose.
The question, then, is not whether we care, but what our care asks of us.
We have to become traitors.
Not because we are morally pure. Not because we have never participated in harm. Not because we have figured out how to live without contradiction. But because the opposite is true. We have participated. We have benefited. We have been taught to call that benefit normal, deserved, or inevitable. To be a traitor is not to claim moral purity from outside the system. There is no clean outside from which to condemn the world and declare ourselves free of its violence. We have to begin by recognizing that we are implicated, that the arrangements we inherit are reproduced through our everyday choices, and that refusing them requires more than good intentions. We will not unlearn it all at once. There will always be another complicity to recognize, another loyalty to question, another way we have mistaken our comfort for justice. We do not have to be good at being traitors. We just have to be willing to become them.
To become a traitor is to betray the person you were yesterday, to betray the loyalties that have taught us to accept violence and call silence solidarity. It is to recognize that the things you failed to question yesterday can be questioned today, and that yesterday’s failure is not today’s absolution. We can be wrong, be confronted, change course, and try again. The point is not to emerge innocent on the other side of our politics. The point is to stop making our innocence the condition of our participation.
We have to betray the values that make borders seem natural, detention necessary, and legality synonymous with morality. We have to betray the comfort that depends on someone else’s confinement. We have to betray the story that our safety is proof of our goodness. We have to betray the institutions that ask us to accept cruelty as the price of order. We have to betray the people we love if loving them requires protecting their participation in harm. We have to betray the version of ourselves that needs to believe we are innocent.
And we have to betray whiteness—not as an identity we can simply disavow, or a stain we can wash away through the right politics, but as a system of power that distributes protection, legitimacy, and belonging through a racial hierarchy. The same is true of citizenship. To refuse its hierarchy is not to pretend that legal status has no material consequences. The people on that bus knew better. It is to reject the idea that those consequences reflect a natural difference in human worth, or that the protection afforded to some of us obligates us to defend the machinery that denies it to others.
I think of the officer who demanded gratitude for our citizenship. Her demand highlighted the bargain at the heart of whiteness, where belonging was offered in exchange for loyalty to the system that withholds it from others. Her proximity to that belonging did not depend on the color of her skin alone, but on her willingness to defend the boundaries of who deserved it. The state offered her a place within its machinery, and in that moment, she used that place to insist that we recognize its hierarchy as a gift. Refusing that bargain means acting against the arrangements from which we benefit, including, and especially, when doing so costs us something.
Betrayal requires being willing to lose something: comfort, approval, access, the easy belonging that comes from knowing the rules and staying on the right side of them. It means accepting that people may call us disloyal when we refuse to protect what they want protected. The cost of defection is real, but so is the cost of remaining faithful.
And we can not do this work alone or only inside ourselves. Our loyalties are sustained in relationships, in the groups that reward our silence, in the habits that make certain people easier to ignore, in the decisions we learn not to question. If complicity is reproduced collectively, defection must also become collective. We have to become capable of interrupting those habits together, of building the trust and collective courage to let that recognition change what we do next.
Defection is a practice that has to shape how we organize, what we build, and how we respond when our own institutions reproduce the violence we oppose. Sometimes, defection looks like naming the harm a strategy may reproduce even when the group is exhausted, the deadline is approaching, and everyone wants to believe we have finally found a way forward. It means being willing to risk your standing by saying that our urgency does not absolve us of the responsibility to ask whom we are acting for, whose knowledge we have ignored, and who will bear the consequences if we get it wrong. It also means building organizations in which that interruption can do more than expose someone’s courage, but also create one where the group is willing to pause, reconsider, and change course.
We need places where we can practice this together. Where we can tell the truth about our mistakes, interrupt one another without abandoning one another, and make different decisions based on what we learn. Collective accountability is neither unconditional affirmation or individual punishment. It is the difficult work of remaining in relation while changing what the group is doing. None of this guarantees that we will get it right. It just gives us a way to notice when we are getting it wrong, and to do something about it together.
There will be days when we retreat into old loyalties, when fear makes us defensive, when the cost of defecting feels too high. On those days, we must begin again. We can not wait until we are free of complicity to challenge the systems that implicate us. We can not mistake the impossibility of perfection for the impossibility of change. The call is not to be good traitors. It is to become traitors, and to keep becoming them. Repeatedly, deliberately, in the choices we make, the harms we confront, and the loyalties we refuse to protect.
As the backdoors of our final transport vehicle opened and we were released behind a McDonald’s parking lot, I understood that the border is not somewhere far away. It is in our towns, our institutions, our relationships, and the choices we make about who deserves protection and who can be sacrificed. The border is the difference between being released and being left to wait, between being allowed to return to your life and having your future held in someone else’s hands. It is the machinery that makes one person’s freedom feel deserved and another’s a privilege to be withheld.
My citizenship did not prevent the state from detaining me. It gave me reason to believe the state would let me go. I cannot make that difference disappear by refusing to acknowledge it. But I can refuse the demand that I be grateful for it. I can refuse to mistake my relative safety for being free.
We have to defect.
Laura Rethmann is a scholar-activist committed to challenging systems of oppression and advancing movements for collective liberation. She can be reached at laura.etc@proton.me. For more on the struggle against the border wall, follow @tierralibre_noborders.
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Photo: Police arrest immigration reform advocates during a peaceful sit-in outside the White House on May 1, 2010, following Arizona’s passage of SB 1070. Photo by Arasmus Photo via Wikimedia Commons (CC BY 2.0).







